When the ride is no longer FUN

I let go but after a few days I will try to hold again, Hold to what I believe that there is really something. As the days gone by, we became closer and closer. The sudden change to our closeness became a hot topic for both establishments that we’re working at, I can feel the full and obvious support from both bars. They always item us, teased us and I like it very much, I enjoy it a lot. We started to share our beautiful past memories; I can feel that he is really into me.

But one night, a former apple of my eye came. It seriously confuses my thoughts, I debate again with myself, and it’s like an endless argumentation between me and my very own feelings. But somewhere in my heart whispering that Dwijin is more special than this guy. Former apple of my eye and I suddenly got a gap. I don’t know if the problem is with me or with him, but that time I am very conscious on how Dwijin might feel if he saw me entertaining former apple of my eye. I am very concerned for something that I shouldn’t be.

I finally proved to myself that it’s Dwijin already, but the problem is what I am to him. The more I drop ahint about my feeling, he also trying to drop a hint that he have somebody else’s in his heart. A clear picture became blurring. Our common friends starting to share stories with me on how Dwijin very proud to show the one he likes, things that really breaking my heart, but I still continue to fight, like an only remaining soldier fighting for his country. This fight causes me a lot of heart pain, I don’t know how many times I attempt to surrender and retreat or fight until the bullet really hit my heart so I won’t ever survive.

One night I sense that the final bullet that I’m waiting for is coming. He invited me for a supper after work which I said yes. I am a crazy soldier who will face the death, it’s once and for all. Worst thing is I even ask Dwijin if he’s going to tell me something, something like asking him if he’s going to kill me and he answered yes. Nevertheless I still face the hard truth, when he picked me up from my workplace everyone thought it’s finally or officially labeled, without knowing that this is the end of my battle. 

That night I expecting a hard truth, the final bullet that the whole night I am waiting for, it turns out the other way; it turns out to be a date. We drunk, we ate, we talk, share stories and hello it’s really a date. I am so happy the whole time I am with him. We walk and even accompany me to go home. While inside the cab it’s like an ambush operation, a bullet straight away hit me. The truth has finally come; he started to share with me about this lady he really likes. I am bleeding, but since the bullet missed the center of my heart I still managed to survive and heal the wounds. I don’t know why, despite of the truth that he finally opens up to me, I’m still fighting for US. The “US” that only me knows. Maybe it’s because the way he said the truth.

After that night, the picture became so clear, very clear that you don’t need a magnifying glass. He is seriously in-love with someone and I am only a spare tire. From that moment I am only battling with myself. I battling with myself to surrender the fight for the “US” that I thought we have. It’s like a bungee jumping that suddenly the rope got cut midway, good thing I know how to swim though I am badly injured. 

Just like what other loser doing after the hard truth faced them, we tried our best to keep and maintain the closeness and friendship that we started. Though, it’s no longer Fun.

I Chased him, so what?

After the World Cup, I learned two things about him. His mobile number and He’s a gentleman.

Since that Day, I admired him even more. His Attitude + Unique Charisma sweep me off my feet. We started to exchange sms, more likely I initiate every sms we had in a day, a very Kristel. If I like the person I will give so much attention. 

We became closer than before, everytime we hang up with our fellow workmates afterwork, we always ended the night with physical contact, and that physical contact is holding each other’s hand. We hold hands for unknown reason, whoever initiate one, we don’t know, it’s just a mutual feeling or more like a magnet. After the parties we will walk outside from the bar like a couple. So I made a conclusion that maybe he likes me.

But it’s not easy; it’s like a roller coaster ride with him, the more I get to know him the more his flaws particularly in his attitude starting to show the truth. He’s really a hot and cold guy, does he likes me or not? is it yes or no? And at the same time I also doubt about my feelings toward him. Is this a real thing or just another game? Another past time? Another for Fun?. I debated with my own self, while following the beat of life, while still understanding and trying to figuring out what is he really thinking? Is he really feels the same? Or just like me, another person who is confused if it’s really something or nothing?

Until one day, Finally everything got answered, my doubts to myself and wondering about his emotions. He is in-love with somebody else and I am seriously in-love with him. He is trying to win the lady that he likes while me thinking what the hell holding hands and all of this caring all about?!. I am in-love but I felt I’ve been used for temporary happiness. And this facts makes my arguing with myself worst, I want to revenge but I want him to be with me for real. How am I supposed to know what to do and which one o really want to do?

Nevertheless I chased him. I chased him in a bit obvious ways. I keep giving or dropping a hint that I like him, I gave so much attention for him, as much as possible I want him to feel that I am really into him and he is special to me. I chased him like a guy who chased a lady. My motivations are our special physical contact, like the “holding hands” and those moments that we are both silly until we are unaware that actually we’re hugging each other in front of our customers. Those times he will purposely drop-by at our store that he didn’t do before and of course, the comments of those people surrounding us. They can give a fair judgment based on our body contacts.

I fought for my feelings and I chased him until I can, as long as I can hold on into this roller coaster ride. Until I lose my grip and finally let go…

How did you met?

The common question that is frequently asked to us, “How did you met”. Paano nga ba? Saan nga ba?

We met at the Bar. No, we didn’t bump to each other while having a night life, we knew each other as we’re both working in a bar but not at the same bar, our bars are rivalry in terms of business. I am working as a Bartender whiles him he works as a Bartender and at the same time learning how to run a Business. Though the Bars are competing in the Business world, Both Staffs are all good friends, just like a Family.

It was one of the afternoon’s of June,3:00 pm wherein both bars just opened and waiting for customers. I went outside to have a glance at their window to check who’s already in, just nice I saw this new guy standing behind the bar who I thought a Pilipino. When Ate Mylene went out, I asked her who that Guy is. I managed to get a total of 5 information about him. His name is Eugene, He’s a Singaporean, it was his first day, and he’s more like a trainee and a nephew of the owner. 

It’s my habit to go at their bar to borrow some stuffs, all of them are giving attention to me, they are fond of my bubbly personality, Only Eugene is the one who always snob me. But everything changes since the World Cup Finals. 

They invited me to watch World Cup Finals at their Bar after work, I bring along my good friend Chester to join me because I feel so shy, One of the bosses knew me as “Harry’s Girl” welcomes us. We had drink and had fun. I must admit, by that time find him cute, I suddenly felt this “crush” factor to him. He removed my first impression to him in my mind by showing his witty and friendly side. When ate introducing us to other staffs that we barely see, only his name I can’t pronounced. Two things why, it’s Hard (Dwijin) and I am mesmerized by his smile. He reached out his hand to me and trying to help me to pronounce his name while he’s mischievously smiling. 

The whole night the moment that we shake hands keeps on replaying mode inside my mind. I am drinking and socializing but still alert for his attention. He didn’t talk to me; we didn’t have a chance to have a chat or getting to know each other a bit. I just found out that he’s 27 when someone ask him how old is he, so I told myself that tonight is not my typical night. I didn’t get the attention of the guy that I am eyieng for that night. So instead of sitting at the corner and think what kind of a loser playgirl I am, I just mingle and have fun with the other staffs. Drink, laugh, talk, drink, drink, drink until I knocked out.

I seriously rolled like a chicken yakitori, I fell from any place that they will put me higher than the floor, I can’t walk to I always ask for some help when I feel like throwing up. Until they managed to place me at the stage wherein a lot of barricades. It was morning when I gained my strength again. we are still at the bar 7 in the morning. I asked for a coffee but Chester told me I must able to stand up first, I struggled a lot before I managed to stand and walk until I bumped to a wall.

That wall is actually Dwijin, because of the height differences and my very intoxicated mind I thought I bang into the wall, He hold me and I said “I wanna go home” and he said “Okay we will go home”. From the hill he assisted me by literally hugging to each other while walking. At the cab, we send Ate first and he sends me last. He paid for the cab fare when we reached my dormitory, as the dormitory rules, guys are not allowed to go inside the girls dorm. So, before we parted our ways I hugged him and say thank you.

And that’s how I met him, how everything started